Saturday, February 09, 2008
Relationships... Friendships...People. The definition of fucking awful. I dont know how I pick the people around me... I always seem to end up in the fucked up situation. A shitty life, I can deal with. I can take it.
But these feelings, these situations, with other living breathing people.
If you had told me things would be this way a few years ago, Id probably tell you youre an idiot and laugh in your face.
Stupid, stupid old Rene... You were so much better... No, no you werent. You were just simpler... Screwed up, too many problems, over emotional, but so much simpler.
The days when I could just go to my computer, messed up and crying, and post to blogdrive. And everything would feel just that little bit better, messed up but better. I had two friends that new mostly everything about me, and even if they didnt I didnt mind them reading my posts, because I knew they would understand whatever I wrote about.
Now I just feel like everythings stuck in my head. I cant even write it here. I just cant do it... Two of the methods that worked so well, I cant use anymore.
And it feels so bad...
It feels like theres no escape. Like there used to be...
I fucking hate change...
I just want to be old Rene... Atleast she knew how to deal with things
I want my friends back. I want my life back. I just want things to be the way they were a few years ago...
Posted at 05:57 pm by DeadEyes
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
I never realised how good some friends can make you <deleted> feel. I know they can put you through shit, and sometimes they take alot of maintenance. But I dont think you realise how good it is to have them around, untill you dont see them forever.
Then you speak to them, and you wonder what kind of idiot you were to ever think you didnt need them.
Everyone has their place in this big puzzle. big... big puzzle. Called my screwy life. Everyone comes together with their little inputs into one big friend machine that spouts fuzzy happiness and glowing exteriors, most times, if not all. And I think you can really miss that sometimes.
Eh, if I dont love my life, I atleast love some of the people in it.
It can be surprising to remember the people who really mean something. And it can surprising to remember how you forgot them.
I guess you can believe in yourself too much sometimes
Posted at 10:19 pm by DeadEyes
Monday, January 21, 2008
ugh. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I just feel so screwed up. I have no reason to feel this way at all...
I keep on trying to blame people around me, but theres nothing wrong with them. Its just all me. I keep on trying to say "just wait things out till that happens, then itll be ok." But how would that help, when its me Im not ok with?
I just wish I could change things.
Everything would be so different.
I feel like I cant even be my normal self, because I cant feel enough to give to other people. I just want to be alone somewhere....
and I dont know why...
Posted at 09:49 pm by DeadEyes
Sunday, January 20, 2008
I wrote an entry. It got deleted... Basically it said: I feel lost. I dont know what Im doing. Why am i fucking around with iTunes on a saturday night? Its not like it would be hard to find something better to do.
"oh, here is a lemon. Let me cut it in half and pour its juice into my eye. Im already having more fun!"
It also said something about the cosmos giving me a map with a star on one side, "You Are Here" and a question mark on the opposite side, "Where you Should be" and in the middle they chucked a whole field of cluster fucks, mountains, valleys, pits of venemous leprachauns and the only help they bothered to give me was a pat on the back and a nail clipper. They also forgot to somehow tell me that inbetween all that are groups of blood sucking people that are there to "help" you, and by help they mean screw around with you, only talk about themselves and make you remember exactly what you arent and where youre not.
AND WHY AM I ALWAYS PASSIVELY ANNOYED
I will take a moment of teenage angst while I can, and say I wish everyone was dead...
I will now take my second moment of teenage angst ever and say I wish I was one of them
I will now take a liberty of an author and not read what the hell i wrote
***************this part is censored************************
Posted at 12:22 am by DeadEyes
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
In the words of Michael Bluth
Ive made a huge mistake....
Posted at 09:07 pm by DeadEyes
Friday, December 07, 2007
discoveries of a socially awkward shitty person.
Feel like buying that book?
Posted at 02:53 pm by DeadEyes
Fuck. I dont even know what to do anymore.
a) write some dark story
b) something arb to make me feel better
Posted at 02:49 pm by DeadEyes
Thursday, November 15, 2007
It seems that, everyone you think you should be able to
trust, turn out to be the ones that you canít ever rely on. I kind of knew that
Id always do things myself, but itís never really hit home. I really have to do
I donít even know how people I care for and love could make me choose between
them and something else, yet, itís always been that way. Yay for ignoring
everything until it hits you in the face, Rene. *thumbs up* Itís SO much more
Except, I donít know how that happened. When I do so much for everyone, and
never ask for anything, but when I do its out of the question entirely. Is it
because I never ask so they never think they should have to? Because you see, I
thought that because I never asked, when I finally do they would go out of
their way to help me...
Ill just have to do everything myself. Make my own plans.
Lacking in strength and naivety in excess apparently...
Posted at 11:31 pm by DeadEyes
Friday, September 28, 2007
Im surrounded by fucking perfect people. I have to keep being stronger and harder just to cope without constantly falling on my face.
I cant keep doing this
Posted at 02:31 pm by DeadEyes
Monday, September 24, 2007
attack of the flying space rabbits
I had something meaningfull I wanted to write here. Something that i really wanted to get off my chest all weekend. But it really just seems trivial now.
I guess nostalgia just got the better of me for a moment...
Amazing how nostalgia is the one that gets me, every time.
Bad memories! Bad. Down boy
Posted at 10:03 pm by DeadEyes