January 6th 1989  (Age 33)
Cape Town

My other blog:

Shared poetry blog wit mah friends:
Dead Poets Society

Mah friends blogs :) :

Arb Dreamer


     (Akima's other blog)


Israels Son

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finger eleven lyrics
a - z LYRICS

Let chaos entwine
On defenseless soil
Remove errors of man
And sweep all the weakening kind
I am war, I am pain
I am all you've ever slain
I am tears in your eyes
I am grief, I am lies
I am tears in your eyes
I am grief, I am lies
Scavengers are set out
To cleanse the human filth parade
I am pure, I am true
I am all over you
I am laugh, I am smile
I am the earth defiled
I am the cosmic storms
I am the tiny worms
I am fear in the night'
I am bringer of light.

Biting keeps your words at bay
Tending to the sores that stay
Happiness is just a gash away
When i open a familiar scar
Pain goes shooting like a star
Comfort hasn't failed to follow so far...

And you might say it's self-indulgent
You might say its self-destructive
But, you see, it's more productive
Than if i were to be healthy

& pens and penknives take the blame
Crane my neck & scratch my name
But the ugly marks
Are worth the momentary gain...
When i jab a sharpened object in
Choirs of angels seem to sing
Hymns of hate in memorandum

And you might say it's self-indulgent
And you might say it's self-destructive
But, you see, it's more productive
Than if i were to be happy

And sappy songs about sex and cheating
Bland accounts of two lovers meeting
Make me want to give mankind a beating

And you might say it's self-destructive
But, you see, i'd kick the bucket
Sixty times before i'd kick the habit

And as the skin rips off i cherish the revolting thought
That even if i quit
There's not a chance in hell i'd stop
And anyone can see the signs
Mittens in the summertime
Thank you for your pity, you are too kind

And you might say its self-inflicted
But you see that's contradictive
Why on earth would anyone practice self destruction?

And pain opinions are sitcom feeding
They dont know that their minds are teething
Makes me want to give mankind a beating

I'm tried bandages and sinking
I've tried gloves and even thinking
I've tried vaseline
I've tried everything
And no-one cares if your back is bleeding
They're concerned with their hair receding
Looking back it was all maltreating
Every thought that occurred misleading

Makes me want to give myself a beating....

i am sub cultures bruise. i am your etneral muse. i will shape the way you think, i will push your mind to the brink. i will make your pretty heart burn out tonight...

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Saturday, February 09, 2008
I dont know anymore

Relationships... Friendships...People. The definition of fucking awful. I dont know how I pick the people around me... I always seem to end up in the fucked up situation. A shitty life, I can deal with. I can take it.
But these feelings, these situations, with other living breathing people.
If you had told me things would be this way a few years ago, Id probably tell you youre an idiot and laugh in your face.
Stupid, stupid old Rene... You were so much better... No, no you werent. You were just simpler... Screwed up, too many problems, over emotional, but so much simpler.
The days when I could just go to my computer, messed up and crying, and post to blogdrive. And everything would feel just that little bit better, messed up but better. I had two friends that new mostly everything about me, and even if they didnt I didnt mind them reading my posts, because I knew they would understand whatever I wrote about.
Now I just feel like everythings stuck in my head. I cant even write it here. I just cant do it... Two of the methods that worked so well, I cant use anymore.
And it feels so bad...
It feels like theres no escape. Like there used to be...
I fucking hate change...

I just want to be old Rene... Atleast she knew how to deal with things
I want my friends back. I want my life back. I just want things to be the way they were a few years ago...
So badly...

Posted at 05:57 pm by DeadEyes
thoughts vented(2)  

Tuesday, January 29, 2008
huh. surprising

I never realised how good some friends can make you <deleted> feel. I know they can put you through shit, and sometimes they take alot of maintenance. But I dont think you realise how good it is to have them around, untill you dont see them forever.
Then you speak to them, and you wonder what kind of idiot you were to ever think you didnt need them.
Everyone has their place in this big puzzle. big... big puzzle. Called my screwy life. Everyone comes together with their little inputs into one big friend machine that spouts fuzzy happiness and glowing exteriors, most times, if not all. And I think you can really miss that sometimes.
Eh, if I dont love my life, I atleast love some of the people in it.

It can be surprising to remember the people who really mean something. And it can surprising to remember how you forgot them.
I guess you can believe in yourself too much sometimes

Currently listening to:
Garden State
By Various Artists

Posted at 10:19 pm by DeadEyes
Need to vent?  

Monday, January 21, 2008

ugh. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I just feel so screwed up. I have no reason to feel this way at all...
I keep on trying to blame people around me, but theres nothing wrong with them. Its just all me. I keep on trying to say "just wait things out till that happens, then itll be ok." But how would that help, when its me Im not ok with?
I just wish I could change things.
Everything would be so different.

I feel like I cant even be my normal self, because I cant feel enough to give to other people. I just want to be alone somewhere....
and I dont know why...

Posted at 09:49 pm by DeadEyes
Need to vent?  

Sunday, January 20, 2008

I wrote an entry. It got deleted... Basically it said: I feel lost. I dont know what Im doing. Why am i fucking around with iTunes on a saturday night? Its not like it would be hard to find something better to do.
"oh, here is a lemon. Let me cut it in half and pour its juice into my eye. Im already having more fun!"
It also said something about the cosmos giving me a map with a star on one side, "You Are Here" and a question mark on the opposite side, "Where you Should be" and in the middle they chucked a whole field of cluster fucks, mountains, valleys, pits of venemous leprachauns and the only help they bothered to give me was a pat on the back and a nail clipper. They also forgot to somehow tell me that inbetween all that are groups of blood sucking people that are there to "help" you, and by help they mean screw around with you, only talk about themselves and make you remember exactly what you arent and where youre not.

I will take a moment of teenage angst while I can, and say I wish everyone was dead...
I will now take my second moment of teenage angst ever and say I wish I was one of them

I will now take a liberty of an author and not read what the hell i wrote
***************this part is censored************************

Posted at 12:22 am by DeadEyes
Need to vent?  

Wednesday, January 16, 2008
In the words of Michael Bluth

Ive made a huge mistake....

Posted at 09:07 pm by DeadEyes
Need to vent?  

Friday, December 07, 2007
waste of money thanks

discoveries of a socially awkward shitty person.
Feel like buying that book?

Posted at 02:53 pm by DeadEyes
thoughts vented(2)  


Fuck. I dont even know what to do anymore.
Just, fuck...

a) write some dark story
b) something arb to make me feel better

*just sits*

Posted at 02:49 pm by DeadEyes
Need to vent?  

Thursday, November 15, 2007

It seems that, everyone you think you should be able to trust, turn out to be the ones that you canít ever rely on. I kind of knew that Id always do things myself, but itís never really hit home. I really have to do everything alone.
I donít even know how people I care for and love could make me choose between them and something else, yet, itís always been that way. Yay for ignoring everything until it hits you in the face, Rene. *thumbs up* Itís SO much more exciting...
Except, I donít know how that happened. When I do so much for everyone, and never ask for anything, but when I do its out of the question entirely. Is it because I never ask so they never think they should have to? Because you see, I thought that because I never asked, when I finally do they would go out of their way to help me...

Ill just have to do everything myself. Make my own plans.

Lacking in strength and naivety in excess apparently...

Posted at 11:31 pm by DeadEyes
thoughts vented(1)  

Friday, September 28, 2007

Im surrounded by fucking perfect people. I have to keep being stronger and harder just to cope without constantly falling on my face.
I cant keep doing this

Posted at 02:31 pm by DeadEyes
thoughts vented(4)  

Monday, September 24, 2007
attack of the flying space rabbits

I had something meaningfull I wanted to write here. Something that i really wanted to get off my chest all weekend. But it really just seems trivial now.
I guess nostalgia just got the better of me for a moment...
Amazing how nostalgia is the one that gets me, every time.
Bad memories! Bad. Down boy

Posted at 10:03 pm by DeadEyes
Need to vent?  

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